A Perfectly Disasterous Beginning

Ah the absurdity of the world we live in. I am currently sitting in the least comfortable seat imaginable surrounded by the nauseating neo-modern decor that tells you you are currently in the Denver airport. I am flying back from Los Angeles after having wasted a thousand dollars to pretend treat people who are pretending to be sick and getting paid for. A sort of medical whore if you will. But that is a story for another post and another day.

Now mind you it is a nice clear day in both Denver and LA today and that there should be no hindrance to airline flight whatsoever. I arrived to the airport an hour early, which turned out to be two hours early when I arrived to find my flight delayed.

Now, why would it be that if I want to change my flight by 2 minutes that it costs me an arm. leg and possibly a testicle, but when the airline changes the flight they are all "Shucks that’s to bad," with that perky flight attendant face? You know what I am talking about. The smile is oversized and looks like it is formed in plaster, and the eyes have a glint behind then that says "I could have you killed you know. I know who the Air Marshall is on your flight."

Jen and I took a flight to New Orleans a few weeks ago. While we are the on the Nonstop flight that stops twice, they inform us that they are adding yet another stop to our Nonstop flight. Mind you there was no word of apology, just the perky, passive-aggressive politeness that is the weapon of the airline industry.

Now I ask you to consider, what is the true difference between an airline flight and a hostage situation/kidnapping? Most of the time you are held against your will with no control over your own destiny. They dictate the terms of the relationship to you and promise punishment if you disobey. Like if I really have to pee, and I get up when the fasten seatbelt sign is on they can arrest e when we hit the ground.

Not only that, but they kidnap your luggage and hold it for ransom. Sometimes things even go wrong with the transfer and they lose your luggage as collateral damage and give you the "I am sorry sir, but we seem to have misplaced your bag hehe."

They hold your time hostage too. Its a little delay, a slight inconvenience, moderately late, some turbulence etc. Its hard to do but I broke some of the code I think. A slight delay means "I am going to take my sweet ass time taking a circuitous tour of the tarmac while you sit in your cramped seat with the sweaty fat-roll of the person next to you sliming your arm. If you are good. I might turn on the air conditioning in the cabin." It's a difficult code to break but I am making progress. Like today I found out that "We don't expect any problems with connecting flights," really means, "I hope you like wasting a few more hours of your short life have your spine dislocated by the twisted mounds of plastic and metal that we call lounge chairs."

My connecting flight was scheduled to leave at 2:40. My feet hit the putrid Denver blue-gray carpet at 2:38. I ran to the gate to find that my plane had left at exactly 2:39. They could not hold the flight for me for a mere 60 SECONDS. They directed me to the Customer "Service" desk who informed me that I would be staying the night in Denver, which elicited an absolute eruption directed at the octogenarian with the creepy smile behind the counter. After I calmed down she found me a flight a seat on a later flight, but I am still stuck in this suburban hellhole for a few hours.

Look, I am not asking for much. I mean a ticket is a reservation after all (a loosely interpreted word that I will attack in a another installment of this). All I want is for them to drop the pretense. Airlines companies are not my friend, they are an enemy who tries to pacify me with smile and frequent flier miles. So why show me the friendly smile and the fake concilitude. From now on when a problem occurs I Just want to hear

"You are stuck in Denver for the night. You got a problem with that Jackass? Huh? Then talk to the 250 pound ex Navy Seal in the back room. He can punch your ticket... with your own incisors AFTER HE YANKS THEM OUT YOUR MANDIBLE WITH GARDEN SHEARS."

At least that would be honest